Sunday, 24 March 2013

Battle weary

I feel very battle weary and listless as of late. I just feel that for far too long I've been fighting, the pain of losing my father, the continuous struggle to support my youngest daughter and my mother's dementia. The latest blow is that my mother's home will now have to be lost and it's devastating. The garden was my mother's pride and joy and every summer it would be overflowing with blooms, scents and the sounds of bees. In the rare, warm summer nights we could sit out and watch bats skimming across and catching the insects.
Her care home fees need to be met and so we must sell her home. I'm struggling with  the situation and it's all very raw and painful. I haven't even got the comfort of spring, we're locked in a deep freeze in the UK.
There comes a time when you need to pick your battles. I cannot keep fighting a losing one so I need to deal with the sale and concentrate on ensuring my mother is cared for, supporting my daughter and taking care of me. 
I desperately need to heal, because I cannot go on with this much tension and anger in me. It's not going to change what has happened. Every time I'm out I look with envy at the elderly couples shopping together and playing with their grandchildren. It's not their fault, shit happens and I need to realise it doesn't only happen to me. 
I'm also reflecting this anger too. Last week when I took my mother to a craft centre I found that all the disabled car spaces were full and this would mean that I would struggle to get my mum out the car, she needs the door wide open to get in and out. I found a spare place and when I was opening the passenger door, another driver pulled up alongside to park. Unfortunately this meant I couldn't fully open the door, so I turned around to see the driver. Without  me saying a word the driver said, " Sorry I'll just find another space instead!"
This is not a great vibe to be giving off.
I need to change my programming.
I've started by working my way through these inspirational talks on TED
So armed with my journal  I'm going to think of 3 things everyday that I'm grateful for, write a short entry each day in my journal, do more exercise, meditate, and do an act of kindness as often as I can. I've been on the receiving end of random kindness and it's very powerful. You need to do this for 21 days and then your brain gets used to looking for the positives first, instead, as in my case, the worst case scenario.
And of course making jewellery does calm me quite a lot.

So I must be the change I want to see.

P.S the BeadSoup reveals will start next week, mine and my partner's Leah will be on 4th April, so save the date.


  1. Just visiting via Beatnheart. Feel what you are going through - much the same is happening with me - and can see how you find release through the wonderful jewellery you make. Textiles, eco-dyeing and meditative hand-sewing for me - calm is good, but it's fine to admit frustration too. Often think 'you'd have to be a saint'. Good luck (and management) with it all.

  2. Your new work is very pretty and feminine.

    Sounds like you have a good plan for getting yourself back on center. Sending (((hugs)))

  3. ah shucks angel...where to begin. I went through similar, but I was long distance...looking after an aging parent is so tough....watching them decline even more mother fell apart, and needed 24/7 care...she lost it pretty much be honest when she finally passed it was a blessing for us and her....
    i wish there was something I could do to help...please feel free to convo me anytime, just to vent bitch about your bro or whatever. right...turn off the negative voice in your head and when laying down at night...I always say I am so grateful for this warm comfortable bed, I am so grateful for this beautiful hot cup of tea, this hot bath, central starts small...the neg voice must be hard to do when there is nothing but crap happening all around you...
    you have a friend to me when you need to...
    big giant hug from your pal in California,
    Cynthia @ Beatnheart

  4. Marcia, what a dreadful situation! I hope you'll find an understanding with your brother. About act of kindness when I'm angry at everybody, I've found I need to start with myself.

  5. dear friend ... i'm so sorry to hear what you've been going thru. i know it wouldn't be easy on you. i would have crumpled. you're strong. hope everything will straighten out soon for you ... they always do. just ask. and the force of the universe will listen and help.
    your decision to pursue positivity is a great one. you will definitely see miracles very very soon. stay + and be good to yourself :) xo

  6. Deep sympathies and hugs. You do sound incredibly sane and thoughtful considering your painful situation. Shake off the 'compare life to others' pitfall. Stay strong and let your brother carry some burden. That may be just what he needs to wake him up.
    Better days ahead.

  7. I'm so sorry for your pain, but you have hit bottom and it will be all uphill from here. I will keep you in my thoughts.

  8. My heart goes out to you. This will pass. I had a year when my grandmother died, my mum died, and I lost my job. Oh yeah, my teenage daughter was pregnant. I just took each day as it came. So just know that this is temporary. I know how much you hurt. Better days are ahead of you.

    I love your jewelry. lose yourself in it whenever possible.

    I’m part of the bead soup party. Looking forward to the reveals. I'm now following you. I have a new blog. Please consider following my jewelry blog. Thanks.

  9. I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil. At times like this it might seem as if you are left out on an island on your own. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. You must be a strong woman, Marcia. You don't sound like you're about to give up! I hope everything works out soon. It's wonderful that you're opening yourself every day to see the positives amongst all the trouble. Better days will come.

    I love your recent, beautiful creations! I'm excited to see what you make for the BSBP. I've nearly finished all mine - but there's so much that can be made.

  11. Sorry to hear about this. I hope things start looking up for you. On a good note I just stumbled upon your blog and I really like your creations. I will be back :)
    Hang in there.

  12. This is a trying time for you - but it sounds like you know how to fight the battle. I love the idea of picking 3 things to be grateful every day, I have implemented this many years ago with my son, he was going through a phase of 'nothing goes my way' - it didn't even take us 3 weeks to see results. Focusing on the positive is the answer, indeed. I love your jewelry designs - and that's another perfect positive: art and beauty will bring you some peace.
    Sending you good thoughts and lots of love and maybe some sun too (we have a very spring-y day here, in Canada :) ). Be strong and may you find peace and beauty!

  13. So sorry about this, and that it has you so down. I do know that if I am having a rough time, (I took care of my Mother too), doing a random act of kindness (or several), is a very powerful healer. Accepting someones smile feels good, even from a stranger. You are definitely onto right track to help yourself feel better, and that is the only way to be able to help your Mother as well.
    Hugs to you.

  14. You are a wonderfully beautiful and creative soul. I'm sure finding three rings to be grateful for will help to lift you back up. hugs until then and more if you need them :) Thank you for stopping by my blog.

  15. Your solution to your current troubles and those of your close family is actually very giving in itself. Good thoughts and warm wishes (although still not warm weather here sadly) are winging their way to you from over here. Stay strong.

  16. I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, and think it an amazing thing your doing caring for your mom. Not all children do. I hope that you can find some peace, channel through your creative work ... a happy, 'well' you is so important given all the responsibilities you have in your life